I haven't posted in a long time, and there hasn't been much new to say really. But I think that is all going to change. We are finally moving in a few weeks, our house is sold, and it seems we have finally found a new house to move into! I am really tired of living this way, so this is good news...my husband is driving back and forth on weekends, and it is hard on everyone, from Feb to Sept is too long. It appears that I am not mature or disciplined enough to live alone however. While he has been gone, I have gained probably 10 or 15 lbs, which is a lot for that time span. I have this thing, inside, this deep seeded instinct, or habit, or behavior, where, when I am alone, it is time to eat all the things i couldnt eat when someone was here.
I know where this comes from, yet I seem unable to change it, to turn it off...or at least adjust to it and live a healthy and normal life. It really is just one step at a time, I know that if i just start today, tomorrow will be easier. I know that results bring inspiration to do more. I know, i know. I know this.
I think part of my problem is that I feel that I have so many things I need to change, I am too overwhelmed to start that process. I need to break it down to one thing at a time (right Dana?) ..so i think each day, i will try to only change one thing....
Today, the only thing i have to do differently is to not eat after 7pm. I'm going to set an alarm on my cell (because i will undoubtedly forget) to beep and tell me. If i can accomplish this one thing, I think that i will feel good, like i accomplished something, one small thing out of my big, long list....
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Where have I been?
Ugh. That describes my days lately. I find myself very motivated, and every Monday it seems, i start over. It makes sense, then doesn't it, that I am a Cubs fan? Knock me down, I get right back up every time. You cant keep me down, and every time I start over, I know this is the time it will take.
I have decided to just work on eating healthier, eating more fruit, when I was doing Atkins, I got away from fruit so much, and when I am not eating it, my children aren't eating it either. That is a must have, a definite switch we needed to make. I am trying to add working out into my life more.
But, right now, I am drowning a bit. My husband has taken a new job, where he is gone all week. He comes home Friday nights, then leaves early Monday morning, sometimes Sunday nights. There are times I like the peacefulness of the weekday evenings, but for the most part I feel left. Left to take care of two kids, and a house, pay the bills, figure out how to sell this one and buy a new one. Not to mention working, I am very fortunate to work at home, but working 35-40 hours a week at home is more stressful for me than working in an office. I try to tell people, imagine doing your job in your office with a 3 year old crying at your chair when he cant have a Sharpie to write on the wall. Try to put your customer on hold so you can explain why Nickelodeon switched Diego to come after Dora instead of Max and Ruby. I really do find it more stressful, but it saves in the cost of daycare, and apparently my stress levels do not have a price tag. So fine. Here I am. My chosen lot, i try to accept the decisions I have made, and I do well for the most part.
But today, i am drowning. Today i want to leave and drive, turn the radio up really loud, and drive really fast. I wonder if I will get arrested if the kids have duct tape on their mouth? I mean, I would strap their seat belts on. Oh, you thought I would get to go alone? pffft...even in my daydreams, they are with me. Needing something. Needing me.
I have decided to just work on eating healthier, eating more fruit, when I was doing Atkins, I got away from fruit so much, and when I am not eating it, my children aren't eating it either. That is a must have, a definite switch we needed to make. I am trying to add working out into my life more.
But, right now, I am drowning a bit. My husband has taken a new job, where he is gone all week. He comes home Friday nights, then leaves early Monday morning, sometimes Sunday nights. There are times I like the peacefulness of the weekday evenings, but for the most part I feel left. Left to take care of two kids, and a house, pay the bills, figure out how to sell this one and buy a new one. Not to mention working, I am very fortunate to work at home, but working 35-40 hours a week at home is more stressful for me than working in an office. I try to tell people, imagine doing your job in your office with a 3 year old crying at your chair when he cant have a Sharpie to write on the wall. Try to put your customer on hold so you can explain why Nickelodeon switched Diego to come after Dora instead of Max and Ruby. I really do find it more stressful, but it saves in the cost of daycare, and apparently my stress levels do not have a price tag. So fine. Here I am. My chosen lot, i try to accept the decisions I have made, and I do well for the most part.
But today, i am drowning. Today i want to leave and drive, turn the radio up really loud, and drive really fast. I wonder if I will get arrested if the kids have duct tape on their mouth? I mean, I would strap their seat belts on. Oh, you thought I would get to go alone? pffft...even in my daydreams, they are with me. Needing something. Needing me.
Friday, March 7, 2008
I think I can't, I think I can't.......
I had a long conversation the other night with a dear friend, and I told her my history. Why I overeat, why it's my mother's fault, and how I can't get over it, even at 33 years old. I haven't lived with my mother since I was 20 years old, yet it is still her fault.
Of course it is! How could it be my fault? I don't have willpower, I don't have discipline, I don't want it bad enough. Right? I literally caught myself saying to myself this morning " I just don't have the willpower" And I stopped myself, and said "yes you do dummy, you do have the willpower, you just don't believe it...."
I have been telling myself for about 15 years that I have no willpower, or discipline, when I should be saying to myself, staring in the mirror, "You have GREAT discipline! you are so strong! Look at how strong you are!" I can honestly say, I have never told myself those things. Ever. Why not? I tell my children how wonderful they are, I tell my friends, my sister, my husband, how proud I am of them, how handsome he is, how pretty she is. I never tell myself those things, and wouldn't it mean the most coming from the person that knows me the best? Who knows better what truly lies inside of me, at my deepest darkest corners? If I say it, it must be true, because I know myself better than anyone, so only I know the truth.
From now on, every day, I will tell myself, staring in my own eyes, exactly how wonderful I am, exactly how MUCH strength and willpower i actually do have (surprise!) and really start to feed my ego.
Maybe then, i will stop trying to feed it with food.
Of course it is! How could it be my fault? I don't have willpower, I don't have discipline, I don't want it bad enough. Right? I literally caught myself saying to myself this morning " I just don't have the willpower" And I stopped myself, and said "yes you do dummy, you do have the willpower, you just don't believe it...."
I have been telling myself for about 15 years that I have no willpower, or discipline, when I should be saying to myself, staring in the mirror, "You have GREAT discipline! you are so strong! Look at how strong you are!" I can honestly say, I have never told myself those things. Ever. Why not? I tell my children how wonderful they are, I tell my friends, my sister, my husband, how proud I am of them, how handsome he is, how pretty she is. I never tell myself those things, and wouldn't it mean the most coming from the person that knows me the best? Who knows better what truly lies inside of me, at my deepest darkest corners? If I say it, it must be true, because I know myself better than anyone, so only I know the truth.
From now on, every day, I will tell myself, staring in my own eyes, exactly how wonderful I am, exactly how MUCH strength and willpower i actually do have (surprise!) and really start to feed my ego.
Maybe then, i will stop trying to feed it with food.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
When I am Thin
Kate Harding in The Shapely Prose said:
“… the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person – one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s “When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.” See also:• When I’m thin, I’ll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.• When I’m thin, I’ll have the job I’ve always wanted.• When I’m thin, I won’t be depressed anymore.• When I’m thin, I’ll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I don’t speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.• When I’m thin, I’ll become really outdoorsy.• When I’m thin, I’ll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with. "
I found this in another blog post, and it really struck me. I need to think about this.
“… the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person – one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s “When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.” See also:• When I’m thin, I’ll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.• When I’m thin, I’ll have the job I’ve always wanted.• When I’m thin, I won’t be depressed anymore.• When I’m thin, I’ll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I don’t speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.• When I’m thin, I’ll become really outdoorsy.• When I’m thin, I’ll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with. "
I found this in another blog post, and it really struck me. I need to think about this.
As I was pulling up my blog to post today, I did a search 'one foot in front of the other' and i came across the blog of a man that started his when he was starting his battle with cancer. His blog is so interesting, and so difficult to read. He spent time in Japan, studies Buddhism, is physically very active, and has a very rare type of cancer. It was shocking to read through the blog and really start to really like this man, and really find myself interested in what he has to say, what experiences he has had. Then to see his sister post that he had passed away in january. Just of this year, i just discovered this blog, started in 2005 or 2006, and he is already gone.
What a wonderful thing this blog could be though, to leave behind when you are gone, your inner thoughts, your feelings, the things you have learned in your life. I wonder if someone could learn from me, just one little thing. I wonder if he knows in death he has still touched someone's life and inspired them? Oddly enough, he had several pictures of his walking shoes, just as i do with my running shoes.
I started this blog because i really want to change my life, i have passed through the last 10 years, maybe 15 years always having something I didnt like about myself, about my life. I finally realized, as i will be 34 next month, that i dont want to look back on my life and not see a period where things were really great. Physically, i cant even look back to a time where i can say 'i was in the best shape of my life' or 'i feel better now than i did when i was 20!!' that is what i need. that is what i want to say.
What a wonderful thing this blog could be though, to leave behind when you are gone, your inner thoughts, your feelings, the things you have learned in your life. I wonder if someone could learn from me, just one little thing. I wonder if he knows in death he has still touched someone's life and inspired them? Oddly enough, he had several pictures of his walking shoes, just as i do with my running shoes.
I started this blog because i really want to change my life, i have passed through the last 10 years, maybe 15 years always having something I didnt like about myself, about my life. I finally realized, as i will be 34 next month, that i dont want to look back on my life and not see a period where things were really great. Physically, i cant even look back to a time where i can say 'i was in the best shape of my life' or 'i feel better now than i did when i was 20!!' that is what i need. that is what i want to say.
Monday, March 3, 2008
A Blank Page
A blank page. It is so overwhelming sometimes to have to start somewhere, I can see now why so many projects go undone. Not knowing where to start, not knowing where you will end up, this is very daunting. There should be a class in school teaching people to just dig in and start, to close your eyes, plug your nose and just dive in the pool. Although, you can jump in the shallow end, as long as you promise to paddle down to the deep end. But, how many people follow through with that?
For those of us that cant(codeword: wont) swim, it is necessary to jump in feet first, eyes closed tight, straight into the deepest waters.
So, this is how I need to start, just jumping in, and going full speed ahead. Tip-toeing slowly has never worked before, and I want it to be different this time.
So, here it is. Best of luck to me.
For those of us that cant(codeword: wont) swim, it is necessary to jump in feet first, eyes closed tight, straight into the deepest waters.
So, this is how I need to start, just jumping in, and going full speed ahead. Tip-toeing slowly has never worked before, and I want it to be different this time.
So, here it is. Best of luck to me.
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