I think I can't, I think I can't.......

I had a long conversation the other night with a dear friend, and I told her my history. Why I overeat, why it's my mother's fault, and how I can't get over it, even at 33 years old. I haven't lived with my mother since I was 20 years old, yet it is still her fault.

Of course it is! How could it be my fault? I don't have willpower, I don't have discipline, I don't want it bad enough. Right? I literally caught myself saying to myself this morning " I just don't have the willpower" And I stopped myself, and said "yes you do dummy, you do have the willpower, you just don't believe it...."

I have been telling myself for about 15 years that I have no willpower, or discipline, when I should be saying to myself, staring in the mirror, "You have GREAT discipline! you are so strong! Look at how strong you are!" I can honestly say, I have never told myself those things. Ever. Why not? I tell my children how wonderful they are, I tell my friends, my sister, my husband, how proud I am of them, how handsome he is, how pretty she is. I never tell myself those things, and wouldn't it mean the most coming from the person that knows me the best? Who knows better what truly lies inside of me, at my deepest darkest corners? If I say it, it must be true, because I know myself better than anyone, so only I know the truth.

From now on, every day, I will tell myself, staring in my own eyes, exactly how wonderful I am, exactly how MUCH strength and willpower i actually do have (surprise!) and really start to feed my ego.

Maybe then, i will stop trying to feed it with food.

When I am Thin

Kate Harding in The Shapely Prose said:
“… the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person – one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s “When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.” See also:• When I’m thin, I’ll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.• When I’m thin, I’ll have the job I’ve always wanted.• When I’m thin, I won’t be depressed anymore.• When I’m thin, I’ll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I don’t speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.• When I’m thin, I’ll become really outdoorsy.• When I’m thin, I’ll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with. "

I found this in another blog post, and it really struck me. I need to think about this.

As I was pulling up my blog to post today, I did a search 'one foot in front of the other' and i came across the blog of a man that started his when he was starting his battle with cancer. His blog is so interesting, and so difficult to read. He spent time in Japan, studies Buddhism, is physically very active, and has a very rare type of cancer. It was shocking to read through the blog and really start to really like this man, and really find myself interested in what he has to say, what experiences he has had. Then to see his sister post that he had passed away in january. Just of this year, i just discovered this blog, started in 2005 or 2006, and he is already gone.

What a wonderful thing this blog could be though, to leave behind when you are gone, your inner thoughts, your feelings, the things you have learned in your life. I wonder if someone could learn from me, just one little thing. I wonder if he knows in death he has still touched someone's life and inspired them? Oddly enough, he had several pictures of his walking shoes, just as i do with my running shoes.

I started this blog because i really want to change my life, i have passed through the last 10 years, maybe 15 years always having something I didnt like about myself, about my life. I finally realized, as i will be 34 next month, that i dont want to look back on my life and not see a period where things were really great. Physically, i cant even look back to a time where i can say 'i was in the best shape of my life' or 'i feel better now than i did when i was 20!!' that is what i need. that is what i want to say.

A Blank Page

A blank page. It is so overwhelming sometimes to have to start somewhere, I can see now why so many projects go undone. Not knowing where to start, not knowing where you will end up, this is very daunting. There should be a class in school teaching people to just dig in and start, to close your eyes, plug your nose and just dive in the pool. Although, you can jump in the shallow end, as long as you promise to paddle down to the deep end. But, how many people follow through with that?

For those of us that cant(codeword: wont) swim, it is necessary to jump in feet first, eyes closed tight, straight into the deepest waters.

So, this is how I need to start, just jumping in, and going full speed ahead. Tip-toeing slowly has never worked before, and I want it to be different this time.

So, here it is. Best of luck to me.